Growing up and learning to learn

In the beginning, my spiritual life was lived out! Loud and proud, because it was the only spiritual life I knew everyone else had the same spiritual life as I did. It was easy. Safe. But then, I began thinking and questioning that belief and that faith. I learned that this was not something one did if one wanted to be safe and wanted. I was belittled and I was shamed in many ways.
I learned what it was to be called possessed, deceived and, the biggest of all, to learn that I was going to Hell because I merely had questions.
I prayed night after night for the answers, for peace, for understanding and salvation. Finialy one night I had a dream of the Creator the Divine that I had never know or felt. There She and Jesus stood! I couldn't believe my eyes! Jesus said to me "So you got questions eh?" I thought my prayers had been answered at long last but then He continued to say "Then go find the answers! Look anywhere you want to I dont care Just stop asking me to Save you ok? its boring your life is boring! Your mind is filled with interesting questions and bright ideas and you are letting everything and everyone stop you from what I had plan for you go forth and ask the questions think the ideas blah blah blah you get the idea." All I could do was blink.
Then the woman I think the Holy Spirit but im not sure her name is Sophia and she was beautiful in black glowing gown that flowed with blond hair that could have been gold and the most mysterious deep blue eyes I had ever seen said to me in the sweetest voice. "Child I am here be here with me and find rest. Tomorrow is soon enough to find your answers I will lead you." and I slept for the first time in a long time.

I had no idea where to began at first. I roamed book stores and looked at devotionals and theology books but then i found myself in the new age isle... I knew nothing about any of it except it was evil and wicked. So what do you think i did? That's right I ran but i kept coming back over and over then in a fit of rebellion I picked up the evil tarot card and a book. I took it home and I stared at it just waiting for the evil demon inside to pop out and... well Im not sure what i thought it would do but i had my bible right over my heart just in case.
So as I sat there and nothing happened it got dark and I saw a shadow in the corner of my eye. I jumped up knowing that this evil thing had come to do wicked things and I heard a laugh. A Laugh? It was laughing at me!!! whats wrong with this picture? Demons dont laugh! How dare they laugh at me!! I was about to give a piece of my mind to the demon when I saw Sophia and quickly swallowed my rage. She Sobered too. I was Ashamed of my anger because I was raised its a sin to be angry at God. I was also raised that the Holy Spirit was a male but hey I had lots of questions anyways....whats a few more?
Sophia looked me over and said " it is a sin to hide your anger its not like i dont know you are angry and you wasnt made at me but the unseen evil that you thought i was. You were rebellious enough to buy the cards and the book why do you not open them up and see what they are? Because you believe they are evil? because you are supposed to believe they are evil? because you fear you will be caught with the stuff and judged by others?" I hate when people read me like a book but She had the right of it. it was all of that.

So this started my Spiritual journey into the unknown world of all other beliefs. I have grow from this I have learned a lot about other religions and beliefs cultures. and I have learned more about what i believe and why. it is a daily battle to find myself in this world of conformism where everyone from the TV to the goverment to family to the stranger on the street thinks they have the right to tell you how to think feel believe and what values and ethics to believe. It is easier to hide and be secret about what i believe. it is one thing that i have yet to over come... but the one thing I know to be true is I have to find my own way because the way no one else can live my life and no one else has to answer for it in the end.

Peace
The Seeker